her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
