I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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