And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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