I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
