This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She bit a glass in half.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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