Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
