now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
