It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
