Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
