Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
