I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
