you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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