You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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