GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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