My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dignity is for republicans.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
