I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
