Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
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He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.