he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.