i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
