its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
