i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
