he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
