i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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