I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
