We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
