The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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