after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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