So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
