Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
