Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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