if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
