My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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