Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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