I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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