Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
