i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to sanitize my soul.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
