i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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