two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
