Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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