I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
