That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
