Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
