every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
