can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
