if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
