Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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