My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
