im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
