Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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