I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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