it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
