there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
