You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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