I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
