bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
