ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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