Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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