I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We need a shit load of segways right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
