our cab driver is having phone sex.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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