I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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