It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
